You may have heard that Earth’s Moon is made of “green cheese.” Let me pop that bubble, bust that myth, for you. We all know that that ancient saying just doesn’t hold water. It is simply not true that the Moon is made of green cheese. People are saying it’s not true. And, they’re right!

Now, people say you need evidence to prove that the Moon is not made of green cheese. And, I’m going to give you evidence, scientific evidence, that shows it’s not green cheese. First, just think about it. The Moon isn’t green. Except when it just rising and it gets a little rusty tint around the edges, the Moon is white!

Everybody knows that cream cheese is white...unless it is spoiled and gets green mold on it. But how much cream cheese gets spoiled these days? Food scientists have learned how to make cream cheese so that it rarely spoils. Companies add special ingredients that prevent it from turning green. So, that’s another reason that it can’t be made from green cheese. If it was, it would look like some of those fancy cheeses with foreign names like “roapfort” and “bill-ooo.”

Well, I’ve proven that the Moon is made of cream cheese. Now, before you spit your coffee (or tea), let me explain.

Simulation

So, we created a simulation. Now, you know how there’s all this talk about simulations and models these days. Scientist model how many people are going to get COVID. They model how what’ll happen if the sea level rises. Well, we can model the Moon in the sky, too. And we can model it without computers full of statistics.

Now, as you know, scientists have names for the so-called phases of the Moon. So, if it’s not quite yet a full Moon, they call it, “waxing.” If it’s after the full Moon, they call it “waning.” Sometimes the Moon doesn’t look like a full circle. It’s a little flat on one side. That’s waxing or waning.

So, for our model, we used a huge slab of plywood, the very light weight type, because, you know, we didn’t want it to be too heavy. So we got some carpenters who had been they made this sort of lopsided circle, this waxing Moon shape. It was one of the biggest models ever made...models are usually small, like model airplanes when you were a kid...but this was giant. Very big.

So, we built this machine with a big arm on it that could lift like tons. And we took it up on this ridge a mile from a very nice home, the lovely, expensive home of a famous person in the area. And we put the waxing Moon on it, on the lift so we could make it rise up above the ridge.

We planned this study very carefully. You know, science doesn’t come cheap. It costs a lot to do a good model. But we wanted this to look real, so we didn’t spare any expense.

Then we put layers of fresh cream cheese on the circle, the disk. And we shone some really bright lights on it so it was quite bright, and we raised it up behind the ridge. And the whole thing was really beautiful.

Proving the point

Now, we needed some proof that people saw the Moon, so we got some people. We invited some people, like over 1000 people to come to a local ranch for a party on the patio by the pool. We called it “The New Moon Party.”

Mr. S., the owner, has a nice place. You know, there’s an indoor-outdoor pool...beautiful, you can start out swimming in the house and swim right outside into the outdoors. Wonderful place. Big patio made of lovely flagstone with lots of tables.

Well, we invited all these people to come to the party. They got whatever they wanted, bubbly wine, beer...open bar...and barbecue, fine beef, salads, potatoes, the whole nine yards.

Then, just as it’s getting dark, while everyone’s standing around on the patio or sitting on the huge veranda out back of the house, my people give the signal and the boys up on the ridge start lifting the Moon up behind the ridge, and, at first you can only see the top edge of it but gradually, very gradually, it rises and it’s very bright and someone points and says, “Oh, wow!” and other people start turning and looking and pointing, and pretty soon everybody is talking, “What is that?” “It’s gorgeous!” “Wow!” “Isn’t that the most beautiful Moon?”

Now, just a couple of days later, we did a follow up with people who had attended. You know, you’re supposed to do follow ups with your studies. So, we asked them, “did you have a good time at the New Moon Party?” “Did you see the Moon rise?” “Was it really a full Moon?”

Now that little survey explained a lot. Ninety-nine percent said they had a good time. Lots of people said they saw the Moon—like more than three of every four said they saw it. And more than 50% got it right, got the question about the full Moon right. They said, “No,” because, of course, it was waxing, not full.

So, I can conclude, first, that the Moon is not made of green cheese, and second, that the Moon is actually made of cream cheese. And I have the data to prove it.